Dear Hannah ~ A letter to my daughter...

When my son turned 10, I felt the need to commemorate it with a letter. I guess when your mom is a writer by nature, you should get used to get something handwritten on big events, right? Anyway... I decided that I would write all of my children on their 10th birthdays a letter. I mean, double-digits is a big deal! However... Hannah turned 10 in June. Six months ago.

But such is the life of a middle child, she was forgotten.

I know... "Mom of the Year"... right?? sigh... I wish I had some great excuse, but I don't. Which kinda makes me feel even more guilty. However, Hannah wouldn't be happy if I felt bad. Again, middle-child. She's the peacemaker and she only wants people to be happy. Basically, I am late in giving, the most amazing kid ever, a very important letter. Ugh.

I'll never make this up to her, but I will attempt to try.

So on her half-birthday, which is today, I am giving her the letter that has been LONG over due....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hannah Faith ~ June 2, 2003 

My dearest middle-child,

I cannot believe that ten (and a half...) years has past since a nurse told me that I had a beautiful girl. I was dumbstruck.

No.

Really.

Dumbstruck.

I asked her if she was sure you were REALLY a girl. I had decided that I was going to be a mom of all boys. I already had one and thought I was an expert. Yep. It was going to be all boys for me. Ha! Unlike most sane people, your dad wanted to keep your gender a surprise until you were born. Surprised could be considered an understatement.

5 months old

Apparently, after I insulted the nurse, and her gender determining skills, your father confirmed to me that you were, in fact, a girl. It then dawned on me that every old wives tale about guessing the baby's gender was completely false. That's when I suddenly realized that while I had practiced my parenting skills on a boy, I was now getting ready to embark on another new adventure.

The mother of a girl.

Now, Hannah, you have to understand, I was never a very typical girl. Never the cutesy princess who pranced around in pink ruffles, and spent hours and hours perfecting her "duck face" in the bathroom mirror, or whatever little girls do. I was more of the build a fort in the middle of the cypress swamp, after you have spent the morning cleaning your catch from the lake kind-of-kid. Honestly, most days, I was either covered in dirt or hidden behind a book which probably made it hard to tell that I was even a girl...

So often, I wanted to be the girly girl who was graceful, talented, and called a princess. However, those titles were given to my baby sisters, not me, so I felt that I needed to live up to something else. I was the adventurous, determined, brilliantly smart girl that made things happen. Those were great things to be and made me enjoy every minute of my childhood and all aspects of growing-up. I never had regrets that I didn't know how to braid hair or really even brush it!

But when you are sitting in a hospital bed, holding a little baby girl, all you think about is pink.

one year old

Being a girl is a tricky thing. Long gone are the days where a girl was expected to grow up, become a wife, then a mother, and live to serve her family. Now, you can do that, if you want, or you can go to school, start a business, or even run a country.

So.

Many.

Options.

And there I was, ten years ago, wanting you to have every one of those options in front of you, but if you had wanted to become the next top model, Lord, help me, I was not prepared for having a girl.

2 years old

Hannah, I am about to tell you one of the biggest secrets about myself. The entire time I was growing up, I was intimidated by every girl I knew. I never knew how to connect with them, because I didn't think I could ever measure up to them. They were flawless and I had freckles. They were elegant and I was forceful. They were girls and I was... just me. Instead of letting that bother me, I just embraced being different and became comfortable with, in my mind, not being as good as they were.

It wasn't until I looked into your eyes that I realized that I never had a reason to be intimidated by anyone. That I had been made perfect. Precious. Beautiful.

Just like you.

3 years old

Over the last ten years, you haven't been the only one growing up. I have been too. You see, I discovered what it was like to be a girl, when I had a girl. I took the determination that I've always had and changed a lot of my thoughts and routines. I fell in love with fashion bloggers. I chose mud masks over mud pies. I made myself a bulletin board with images, pictures, and quotes that celebrated being a girl. I even found myself loving the color pink.

Now, I'm not telling you this because I think that you have to be a girly girl who has a perfect "duck face."

Actually, side note, don't do the "duck face."

Ever.

Consider that wisdom passed down. Anyway... back to your letter...

4 years old

I'm telling you this because I want you to know that you never, EVER have to settle into a specific description of yourself. It doesn't matter if you are ten, twenty, thirty-three, or eighty, you can reinvent who you are, as often as you want, whenever you want.

You were not designed to be the same person forever and there is nothing that you can't do. So, if you decide that you want to do ballet for the next ten years and then decide that you want to join the peace corps, do it! You can be a scientist and a mom and an artist and anything else you put your mind to.

There is only one thing that you have to promise me you will do.

7 years old with her big brother

About a year and a half ago, I gave your brother a list of commitments. They were things that I promised him that I would do as he continued to grow. They weren't just limited to him. You can hold me to every one of those commitments.

But with you, I want to ask you to promise me one thing.

Promise me that you will always listen.

8 years old

Listen to those who speak life, so that you can learn to speak it.
Listen to all kinds of music, so that you can relate to anyone, anywhere.
Listen to your family, so that you know you are loved.
Listen to the sounds of the oceans and wind, so that you know where home is.
Listen to your heartbeat, so that you know today was a gift.
Listen to those who came before you, so that you can learn from them.
Listen to your dreams, so that you can achieve them.

Listen to the voice of God, so that you know his voice and never doubt his presence in your life.

Listen. And I will too.

9 years old

That's all I want you do promise me that you will do. If you are always listening, you will never doubt who you are or what you should be doing, you will know when it's time to move and time to be still and you will be confident in every decision you make. The Bible says that the sheep listen to the shepherds voice and know it. (John 10:27) As long as you listen and know that voice, everything else will fall into line and you will be successful in everything that God has for you.

Hannah, I would give you the world, but I know that you have it in you to go out and get it for yourself.

I love you so much. Thank you for letting me grow with you. Listen to me when I say... never stop. Never stop growing. Never stop listening.

Love You Princess Banana.

~ mommy

10th Birthday!!! 

Flashback: "A letter to my son..."

Originally written close to two years ago... here is a flashback to a letter I wrote my oldest. Kiddo number two just recently turned ten and her letter is forthcoming, I promise, but until then....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael Stephen Branda ~ 7lbs 15oz ~ January 31, 2002

Dear Michael,

10 years ago today, you did something that no one else had done or could do. You made me a mom.

Michael - 11 mths old

Even as I write that sentence, it is hard to fathom that it has been 10 years. I remember the very moment that I held you for the first time. You were crying, wide-eyed and slimy. I know, totally gross, but that's not the point. The point is that you were wide-eyed and crying. Adding that you were slimy is simply because you are ten and you like gross things.

Michael's first birthday

Back to the point... you were crying so loudly that I held you tight and just tried to calm you. Then it happened. You stopped crying.

You stopped crying and I got scared.

There you were... this little, perfect (and slimy) boy. Your eyes were as big as your head and you were looking at everything. Focusing on so much. All of the nurses and the doctor kept commenting about how unusually alert you were.

And there I was. Barely an adult and suddenly, I was in charge of caring and raising a child. Scared. Terrified. FREAKED OUT.

Michael at about 9 mths

That was ten years ago.

Today?

Today, I am still just as scared, terrified and FREAKED OUT.

Michael 16 mths, Hannah 3 days

But first.... First, can I just congratulate myself? You have survived 10 YEARS!! And honestly, with the number of times that you ate things you shouldn't have, crawled places a baby shouldn't be, played with items that were not toys... it's a pretty impressive feat. You should be thankful. Oh and maybe you should thank your dad because I'm pretty sure he saved your life a few times by NOT letting you do things that I probably would have.

Anyway... just because I got you through these ten years alive, doesn't mean that I haven't scarred you for life. Which is probably why I am more scared now, than I was ten years ago. I really think that some of the hardest times of life are coming upon you quicker than I know I am ready for. I just pray that you are.

Michael at one of his MANY ring bearer gigs.

Over the next ten years, you will have more to say and more to do than ever before. But more importantly, what you say and do will start to show who you are as a person. You will be forming opinions and perspectives on things that may stay with you that for your entire life.

And me?

Well.... it's my job to help you in forming those and well.... God help us both.

Michael at about 4

It's going to be hard. But I promise, it'll be hard on both of us. We will probably both make mistakes, but we will both grow. We will both drive each other nuts, but at the end of the day, we'll be grateful for each other.  Honestly, that is where my fear comes in... I am so afraid that you'll make mistakes that will hurt. I'm afraid that I'll fail as a mother in teaching you correctly.  I'm afraid that you'll become closed-off to hearing me. I've been working with teenagers and young adults for so long that I've seen countless times the strains that many people have gone through.  I'm terrified that one day, you and I could have those pains.

Michael - 2.5 years; Hannah - 1 year

I know that I have role-played in my mind so many things. "If this happens.... I'll do this... or that..." But it's true that what works for some, won't work for others and who knows what will come our way. I just thought that as we prepare for the next ten years, I should just tell you what to expect from me and what to hold me to for... well... the rest of your life.

Michael - 3 years. Jaedyn - 3 weeks.

This is my commitment to you.

I will always be your mother before I am your friend.
I will tell you "no" more than I will tell you "yes".
I will always give you advice, not because I want you to do what I say, but because I've been there before and I don't want you to fail into the traps that I did.
I will always tell you things straight. If it's good, if it's bad, if it needs improvement. I'll tell you. 
I will always hug and kiss you in front of your friends because I will always love to watch you blush and I know that you do love the affection.
I will be front-row center for all you ever do and always will be your number one fan.
I will never stop being your mom. Remember that 18 is just a number, so don't talk to me about "when you turn 18..." I'll just laugh.
I will study with you for anything until you are ready for everything.
I will dream with you and for you.
I will listen.
I will lecture.
I will always love you more than anyone else who breathes here on earth.

I will pray.

For you now. For your future.

I will pray.

I love you so very much my little slimy boy.
Mommy

Today.

Lesson #2: Responsibility aka "growing up is lousy"

Tween. A noun speaking of a boy or girl aged 9 - 12. Yep. It's a word in the dictionary.

I have two.

They are one year apart.

One boy and one girl.

I am pretty sure that I am undergoing some crazy intense training on this level of parenting. One might think that lack of sleep was the hardest part of being a parent, but I'm beginning to rethink that thought process. The emotions and the drama and sudden development of self-image are going to break me in ways that lack of sleep never did.

Lack of sleep had a remedy. Coffee. But this?? I am starting to understand the development of stronger drinks. Jack Daniels obviously had tweens. Let me give you a few examples as to why I've come to this conclusion...

Example A... Tween girl is told that instead of book work for history today, she will be watching a short video about the history of Israel. This wasn't a surprise. She knew about this all day, but decided to watch it after lunch. To the normal human, this sounds like a great deal. I remember those exciting days when I was a teacher and would put on a video instead of making students open a book, they cheered! To the tween, what began as a civilized idea for the day, has become the worst possible thing EVER. I'm still not sure what happened. I don't know where the change of attitude towards the movie turn. It just did. She just walked into my room and pouted. They just pout. And cry.

Even the boys.

Example B... Tween boy finds a video game that he really wants to play. He talks the game up for days. He is told that one of the parents will look up the details of the game and let him know. Understand that both parents are video game illiterate. We don't know the differences between one bang 'em up-shoot 'em up game from the other. We do know that we aren't fans of all these role playing games that involve shooting anything at anyone. So, a simple glance at a game with a glaring M on the cover, should be evidence enough for a simple no. M = 17 +, the negative approval should be understood. Not for the tween boy. I have apparently made him a glaring laughing stock among all the other YOUNGER boys in the neighborhood. Tears begin to fall and fall and fall. I am left standing there dumbfounded that this topic was even thought to be one that I'd agree with.

Where has my parenting faltered?

They don't talk to you. They don't "use their words". Remember training them to do since they were goo-ing and gaa-ing? They will not remember this when they hit this frustrating age. Their moods change as often as the weather in Florida does and there is no warning. They could be hugging you right now, but as soon as they turn the corner, you have now hurt their feelings and they will never recover.

One might think that they are mentally unstable. I did at first, but here is what I'm starting to realize... They are just having an inner battle. They are suddenly realizing that they are fully responsible for every aspect of their life.

Now, I'm not saying that I have GIVEN them responsibility for every aspect of their life. I am saying that I am starting to give them responsibility and I am teaching them that soon, they won't want me to be helping them every step of the way.

I am not dumb. I have been teaching high schoolers for quite some time. I've heard the complaints about any and all sources of authority in the lives of teens. I know that one day, that could be my kids. But you see... these teenagers all want to have full control of everything, but what most of them miss is the consequences that come with responsibilities. No one has taught them the fact that responsibility is the call to have a duty to DO something. It is a choice! You can either take responsibility, or you just don't. You can blame someone else, you can give excuses, you bring up all the reasons why you can't have the responsibility or you can step up and handle it with maturity and growth. Until you can handle it, you shouldn't be given it.

I will be a terrible parent, if I let my children believe that they can just cast responsibility aside. So it starts now. Just a little bit of responsibility... chores, decisions about meals or clothes, and other good tween responsibilities.

But here is where they are starting to revolt. They want more. They want to make their own decisions about video games and whether or not they watch a movie or do book work. But they don't understand, that while those might not seem like life-changing decisions, it is the very precedent that shows me they aren't ready for those responsibilities. The choices that they would make if I left it to them, does not show growth or an ability to handle that responsibility.

If at a basic level, they can't make good responsible decisions, why would I give them more?

That frustrating, hard-to-understand, utterly confusing question is battling inside of them.

I am trying to get them to see that I am training them into making good, solid decisions, but when they can't, as their mom, I step in to make that decision and take the weight off of them and just tell them mom's choice. This is all in hopes that, soon, they'll understand why I make the choices that I do. Then, one day, they'll make responsible choices too.

It's a lot to grasp. It's a lot to wrap our minds around. However, I'm hoping that they see that growing up is lousy and that they try not to rush it. Until then, I'll be doubling my coffee intake until they move past the emotional, drama-filled reactions to life. When does that happen?? A year? Two? After college?? Somebody please tell me they do move past it...